Friday, February 01, 2008 5:02 PM
ytd night, dinner with darlings at saffron`s again .i love it when we are all together, im happy, very .
and people, i love all of you very much .
for trying so hard to make me smile when im glum .
issma, mus, iqsan, eq .
dinner, then went to slack .
as usual, andi kept calling .
he`s been using all sorts of reasons to make me meet him .
and ytd, he used my psp .
and boy, he`s smart .
cause he know i want my psp back .
anyway, iqsan&black talked to him .
saying that i cant meet him today, other days then we`ll go and take from him .
and then, they went to work and i bused home .
on the ride home, lotsa things were racing through my mind .
im like, so scared .
im alone, and my heart`s beating really fast .
i knew something would happen, but i choose to ignore it .
i kept telling myself, nothing will happen and that everything will be fine .
yes, i chose to lie to myself .
when i reached bedok, i happily got off the bus and walked home .
while being on the phone with black .
AND THE NIGHTMARE STARTED WHEN I REACHED MY BLOCK .
i saw andi, sitting there .
all by himself, and i too, am alone .
i was shocked, too shocked and scared to even turn around and run .
i didnt know what to do, i swear i didnt .
black told me to turn and run, but i couldnt .
i just cant, i knew that somehow, i`ll end up having to face him again .
and so, i stood there .
i asked him for my psp .
he snatched my phone and ran away .
i chase him, and i caught him .
we struggled downstairs, people walked pass but no one bothered .
he then pushed me and i fell to the ground .
i sprained my ankle, i cried and i stood up and again i chased him .
he shouted : lau kau nk hp kau, g umah aku skrg .
and of course i didnt wanted to, and so we fought under his block .
FOUGHT, YES FOUGHT .
he was crying, i was crying .
it was horrible .
my heart was breaking, at that point of time .
i swear at that point of time, i wanted to just dash to the road and be run down by some god damned car .
i swear all i wanted to do was die .
this cycle has been going on since years ago, im tired .
so fucking tired .
i swear i am .
and i cannot take it aymore .
what have i done, i wonder .
to be suffering this kinda shit .
we fought, and then i had no choice but to follow him home .
because i was already so weak and tired .
i followed him, all for the sake of my hp .
he talked to black .
they quarreled, i have no idea what they talked about .
when im in his home, he started his violence again .
he pushed me into his room, locked the door .
and pushed his wardrobe behind his door .
so i cant escape, and no one can save me .
and the he took out a kitchen knife, from his drawer .
fuck, he was planning this all along .
he even had a knife .
when i saw the knife, i dropped to the ground
i know, i was gonna die inside that roon with him .
i know, i really knew .
he talked to me, he asked me why i left him .
and why i had to timer him, but the fact is that i didnt .
i wanted to tell him i didnt, cause i really didnt .
but i couldnt, and so i kept quiet .
then he ask me why i chose black as my bf .
i wante to say he`s not, but i couldnt .
black was helping me, i know .
and so, i kept quiet .
we kept crying .
when i kept quiet, he would use the knife and slice himself .
blood flowed, everywhere .
on me, on him, on the ground, on his clothes, on my bag .
i swear i`ve never been so afraid before .
he almost killed me .
he grabbed my by the neck and he almost stabbed me, he almost did .
i ran away from him and pushed for my life the wardrobe away .
kaboom, one blow and him and i fell .
i was so helpless, no one could save me .
i felt like i could never escape, i would die, i will die and that im dying .
i cried and cried and shouted and screamed for my life .
i swear i`ve never cried so much, never .
then i gave up, his mother was banging on his door and shouting but he ignored .
i gave up, i lied down on his bed and closed my eyes .
and then i said : fine, you wanna kill me right, come kill me now .
and i swear i was really prepared to die at that time .
and when i thought i was gonna die, i cried .
i saw his shadow, he almost did, but instead, he fell to his knees .
but he didnt, i didnt expect him to not kill me .
and then taking my chance, i ran for the door .
i pushed the wardrobe away and i managed to get out .
his mother saw me in blood, and she cried and then ran to the kitchen to get some clothes to wipe me clean .
his mother say : i told you to leave him while you can, why did you let him catch you ?
yes, ever since the first time he hit me when i was with him, his mother kept telling me to leve him and find a better guy .
but i love him, and i believed that he would change .
and his mother begged him to leave me alone .
his mother told me to run, i wanted to
but he told me : if you go out of the door, i swear i`ll kill myself in front of my mother .
i looked at his mother his mother told me just go .
but i couldnt, i couldnt let him die in front of his mother .
his mother don deserve this .
i stood at the door, in a dilemma .
i don know whether to leave or to stay .
then i called black, black asked me : you still wanna be with him ?
i said no .
of course i don wanna be with him anymore .
i`ve suffered enough, more than enough actually .
and so, i ran, ran out the door for my life .
i went downstairs and i flagged like crazy for cab .
h came down, still with the knife .
he grabbed me and i shook him off .
he then took my psp instead .
cab came, and i hopped on and left .
he almost got me, i swear he almost did .
and then i left for shikin`s house .
black was on the phone with me throughtout .
i reached shikin`s, and then i waited for her downstairs and i called alia .
told her what happened .
shikin, alia, adeq all asked me to report him to the police .
but how can i ?
if he goes inside, who`ll take care of his mother ?
hais, im so confused .
then shikin came and we went up .
told her everything and then she slept while i talked to black .
and when black hung up, i sat down alone .
i taled to myself
i calmed myself down .
at that poin of time, who could i tun to ?
like i said, its always me being there for others .
who`s everreally there for me ?
who gave me a hug when i really needed one ?
who ever told me : don worry, you`ll be fine, im here .
ANSWER : NO ONE .
stared at the walls, my hp .
no one called/msg .
then at bout 3am, daddy called .
he said : you at club huh ?
i said : no and i cried .
he : where are you, i`ll come and fetch you home now .
i : ubi avenue 1, block 319 .
he : okay, wait at her house, when i reach i call you and then you come down, be careful .
and then he came, and off we left for home .
i cried in the car, told daddy everything .
and he said : okay, now tel me what you want me to do .
i said : i don know .
and we went home, i showered and i talked to black again .
after that, i tried to sleep, but i cant .
im so traumatised by what happened .
pills , and i slept with nightmares .
andi swear, im still crying now .
anyways,
special thanks to :
issma
eq
iqsan
black
shikin
alia
adeq
I LOVE YOU PEOPLE, hugs (: